There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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