just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
