when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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