Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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