y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
