Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
