Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
