I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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