I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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