I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
