She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize