a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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