Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
