when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
