I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
