Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
