i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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