How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
