Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
