i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
