can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
