you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
