the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
