please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
