the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Your penis caused this!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
