12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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