i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
