I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
