Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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