Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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