shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just high enough for therapy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
