and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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