dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
