im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
