Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
