So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
