the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
