All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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