come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
