Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you inspire me to be a worse person
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize