I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't deserve a penis
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
