I'm going to rape someone's good day.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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