I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
