i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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