she was so not down for the gang bang
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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