I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
