I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
