New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize