So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
