Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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