New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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