I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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