At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
