i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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