So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
