I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
