We're facebook friends in real life
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I love having hate sex.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
