Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
