Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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