She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
