She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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